You called this morning just to say you won’t be able to make it tonight. You said you and your former lover are back together. My coffee ran cold in my throat. I dropped half of the sandwich and ran to my room. I felt a pang of pain against my chest. You used to give a medical term and explanation for that, but this time, I believe, even words from medical books won’t suffice.
My phone bleeped. Your name flashed. I chose to answer the phone before I actually start sobbing. Your voice seemed kind of serious when you said you were just joking. Suddenly, there were grey clouds and curses stormed over you. Then we laughed. The pain died down.
Still I wondered. What if you and former lover actually rebuilt bridges?
I made you a mapping of your recent relationship vis a vis another of whatever we might call ours. There were too many ABC’s, too many steps you said might be unnecessary anymore. Just to make things simpler, I asked you to set me aside, as if I never did exist. I knew you felt as if I was pushing you away and leading you back to her again. It was evident in your sad eyes and trembling voice when you said you would never want to leave me.
I knew it was the halfhearted me that has spoken. I was certain you assumed it was that part of me whom you were talking to, you knew it quite well.
At the end of the conversation, I reminded you of how I despise sudden goodbyes and pulling real bad ass pranks on me. I got you to do a pinky swear that you shall never do that again.
But at the back of my mind, I could have just told you that somehow I felt pain and fear. It sounds rather stupid, but the bad joke actually turned out a relief.
I’m still bothered by the thought.
But tonight, in the fullness of the moon, we’ll be together. Guess it’s really not goodbye.